Breastfeeding and post-natal depression: Tracey’s experience

Breastfeeding is rarely easy; whether you’re a first time mum getting to grips with technique or an experienced breastfeeder juggling the demands of a hungry newborn with the needs of your other children, there will inevitably be times when you feel tired, tearful and fraught.

For some breastfeeding mums though, those early weeks and months with a newborn are made even more difficult by post-natal depression – and sadly for many, a diagnosis of PND spells the end of their breastfeeding journey.  If you’re suffering from PND, you might feel like breastfeeding is putting you under even more pressure – maybe you dread feeds, maybe everyone is telling you you ‘can’t’ do it, maybe you’re worried about taking medication in case it harms your baby – and the resulting guilt about this makes you feel even worse!  In these situations the health and happiness of mother and baby are absolutely paramount – no mum with PND or otherwise should be pressurised to continue breastfeeding if she doesn’t feel comfortable with it.  But many mums with PND don’t want to give up breastfeeding – they just can’t see how to continue when they feel so low.  Tracey was one of those mums – desperately wanting to breastfeed her first baby but struggling to cope with depression and unsure how to do both.  Here she tells her story about those early weeks; how she overcame her PND and carried on breastfeeding until 6 months.

Tracey says: “I had read about breastfeeding a lot before I gave birth and spoke to a friend who had breastfed.  I was nervous about it but thought I was pretty well prepared for what lay ahead!  I heard a few people saying that they hadn’t been able to feed their babies so was a bit worried that it wouldn’t work out for me. My husband hadn’t encountered anyone before who had breastfed so I had to get him to do some reading as well! He was very supportive of me wanting to do it. He had had eczema and asthma as a child, so that was a big reason for my wanting to breastfeed, as it can help protect against them. Generally though I was pretty naive about it and didn’t pay much attention to the fact that most babies feed every two hours etc!

“The birth itself was tough and quite long; I was induced on Saturday night, and my contractions started straight away.  I had an epidural the following morning and apart from some concerns about Ethan’s heart rate things went pretty smoothly until it was time to push, around 9.30pm.  After an hour of pushing Ethan’s heartrate started to go a bit haywire and they wanted to get him out so we had a forceps delivery. I ended up with a 3^rd degree tear and lost a lot of blood, but the main thing was Ethan was delivered safely.

“My first experience of breastfeeding was about half an hour after Ethan was born. I remember trying to latch him on myself, then the midwife came over and she kept pushing his head up to my breast really roughly and I actually felt really uncomfortable with her approach.  The experience really didn’t live up to my expectations – I had some romantic idea of feeding him straight away; me enjoying it; and feeling completely comfortable and happy! Over the next couple of days I had several midwives give me conflicting advice on how to get Ethan latched properly, so I left the hospital feeling a bit lost and very confused.

“Following the labour, like any other mum I was completely exhausted, and very emotional. I can’t really pinpoint one moment where I thought things weren’t right; I do remember after feeding Ethan I would hand him to my husband and not really want to (or feel that I could) do anything else with him until the next feed. It sounds awful but I felt completely disconnected from this tiny little thing that everyone else seemed completely in love and at ease with.  I had known to expect the baby blues but it didn’t feel like a case of the blues, it felt much worse.  I found it really hard to concentrate even on a magazine, was so moody, shouting at my husband for no reason, in floods of tears the next moment, and then becoming completely withdrawn (I knew something was up but didn’t want to admit it, so spent a lot of time ‘in my own head’).  I would look at Ethan and feel  numb – it didn’t seem like how I should feel when I looked at my own baby.  I also felt like I just wasn’t good enough for him, that I was incapable of looking after him, and never let my husband leave the house unless Ethan was asleep. It was actually very frightening at times, I didn’t know how I was meant to cope for the rest of this little man’s life.

“During that time, breastfeeding became like torture to me; I dreaded every feed (and there were a lot!). In the early days there was the obvious obstacle of it being painful because we didn’t have the latch right.  However, even when that was sorted, I still dreaded every feed so it became more of an emotional thing for me.  I still don’t really understand why I focused so much on breastfeeding; maybe it was being depended on for something so important, when I didn’t feel like I even deserved or could cope with a baby.

“To add to the stress, when Ethan was a few weeks old feeding became a struggle again – he just would not feed on my right side and I couldn’t figure out why. I had to start feeding him in the ‘rugby hold’, but even then he would fuss and pull away. We then discovered a large lump on the left side of his neck.  He was admitted to the paediatric unit in the hospital and had a lot of tests done. Thankfully it ended up being a benign tumour, stemming from a tear in the neck muscle, probably caused by trauma during his birth. After some physiotherapy it started to go down, and Ethan got full movement back in his neck; so eventually we could go back to our normal position for feeding. Even then though things just weren’t right – I still dreaded feeding time and felt disconnected from Ethan.

“There were times I really wanted to give up breastfeeding. When I was having a particularly bad day, during growth spurts and especially when Ethan had his neck problem, I was so close – I even went out and bought formula, but by the time I got home I had changed my mind! I thought that if I stopped, I would magically start to feel better, and I would bond properly with my son. Every time I was close to quitting, I would think about my sister-in-law – she had breastfed for a year and had been devastated to stop – I wanted to give myself the chance to start enjoying it that much, and knew that if I didn’t give myself that chance I would always regret it. As well as that, Ethan’s daddy had asthma and eczema as a child; I was determined to breastfeed him and give him the best chance of avoiding these!

“I remember one morning my midwife came round; she weighed Ethan and praised me because he had put on a good bit of weight – I just burst into tears!! She simply asked me how I was and the floodgates opened- I told her exactly how I had been feeling. She arranged an appointment with the doctor straight away. I was put on anti-depressants and sent for sessions with a counsellor. I remember one of the things she told me to do while feeding was to read a magazine or watch something on the TV, just to take my mind off what I was doing. I found this really helpful; it seemed to help me think of feeding as less of a chore.

“I think realising that I wasn’t well made me want to keep breastfeeding until I felt better, so I could see how I felt about it then. The main thing that helped me continue feeding was the support of my husband – he always listened when I moaned about wanting to quit, he simply reminded me of how much I wanted to do it in my good moments, and told me that he’d support me  no matter what. I found expressing  milk an absolute saviour – it meant Daddy could feed him while I had a bath, a nap, or just had a bit of ‘me’ time.

“I soon came to enjoy breastfeeding – that feeling of him being completely dependent on me for food soon felt like a joy rather than a burden; when he put on weight, that feeling of knowing it was all because of me was unbelievable, and having that closeness, just me and him – nothing can beat it!  After having trouble bonding with him at the start, I believe breastfeeding really helped us bond in the end. I remember one day when we had been out in town, and Ethan was due a feed. I was actually chomping at the bit to get home and feed him! I said as much to my husband and he couldn’t believe the change in my feelings towards it.

“I stopped feeding Ethan when he was nearly 6 months old and although it felt like the right time for me, I was sad to stop. Every now and again even now I miss it- my boisterous 9 month old doesn’t like too many cuddles! I am really glad I stuck with breastfeeding through the dark times. With the support of my family – especially my husband, I ended up feeding for nearly 6 months and I’m proud of that achievement.  I ended up really enjoying it and actually looking forward to each feed and know that if I had stopped sooner I would have regretted it.  I would definitely feed any other babies I might be blessed with in the future.

“To other mums who find themselves in a similar position I would say don’t force yourself to continue breastfeeding if you think it is adding too much stress to the situation. Definitely speak to someone about how you are feeling- it’s nothing to be embarrassed about, and the more you talk about what you are going through the easier it is to cope with the pressures of breastfeeding. If you can express milk, do – I found it such a help to have a bit of time to myself between feeds, where my husband would feed Ethan with the expressed milk. I also got very nervous about feeding in public for the first few months; so having a bottle expressed that someone else could give him when we were out really helped – although in the end as my confidence grew I felt comfortable feeding him in public places. I also found concentrating on something else during feeds (a magazine, a book or television programme), helped me think of it as less of a chore and more of an enjoyable experience.

“My main bit of advice would be not to be ashamed of how you are feeling – post natal depression is extremely common. It can seem like there is no way out, but trust me there is light at the end of the tunnel! Talk to someone as soon as you feel something is wrong, don’t leave it for months, or years, because the sooner it is tackled, the sooner you will get better and start enjoying your baby.”

This post is part of a series of ‘real’ breastfeeding stories from NI mums and I’m really keen to hear from a mum who breastfed twins – so if you think your story might be of benefit to others then please get in touch – mumunplugged@googlemail.com.