C-section: The emotional impact
“I always wonder if people think I was too posh to push,” a friend tells me when we discuss her c-section, planned and carried out because her first baby was in a breech position. She laughs it off but I wonder how often those thoughts play on her mind, whether she feels cheated out of a ‘normal’ birth experience.
I read this the other day and so much of the author’s opinion rang true. My own experience of birth saw my fantasies of labouring in water with only gas and air for pain relief turn, over an agonising 24-hour period, into a nightmare of heart decelerations, an emergency caesarean and the longest three minutes of my life, before my baby’s cries finally rang out in the operating theatre. The day I was discharged from hospital my consultant made her rounds and asked me my feelings on having had a c-section. I didn’t know what to say – I hadn’t really given it any thought. In the haze of pain medication, breastfeeding and hormones all I knew was that I was tired and glad my baby was alive and well.
But over the weeks and months that followed, my experience began to play on my mind. I felt robbed of a normal delivery – and like the author of the aforementioned article, I listened to other women’s birth stories feeling like an outsider, like some sort of fraud. In the beginning, I was so disappointed I couldn’t even talk about it. It wasn’t all in my head either – on recounting tales of when I gave birth, a colleague of my husband’s remarked that I didn’t actually ‘give birth’ to my son. It cut me to the bone – I felt I had failed, that my body had let me down, that I had missed a rite of passage into motherhood.
All that matters?
Even my own mother didn’t understand my fixation with my birth experience – “you’ve got a healthy baby, that’s all that matters,” she would say. And of course she was right – the wellbeing of my son was and will always be of paramount importance. But does that mean I shouldn’t mourn the loss of the birth I wanted and had tried to prepare for all those months? Is it greedy and selfish of me to wish that I’d had a healthy baby and a normal birth?
For months after my son was born I was obsessed with thoughts of conceiving again so that I could have another go at giving birth naturally, and while these feelings did fade, I still feel regret at the way he entered the world and often torture myself with ‘what ifs’ – would the outcome have been different if I’d done more yoga in pregnancy, rested more in labour, held off on having an epidural a bit longer?
While I accept there is nothing I can do to change my past experience, I do think a lot about what I will decide to do next time around. After my son was born my consultant said there was no reason for me not to try again next time and I must admit I am sorely tempted by the idea of VBAC and a chance to correct my previous ‘wrongs’. But that desire is tempered by a fear of what will happen if history repeats itself – could I cope with another emergency c-section? I know for sure that I do not want another long labour that ends up in surgery but I’m not sure I could forgive myself for not giving it another go.
In this Catch-22 situation the concept of natural c-section is reassuring; the thought that if I did opt for another caesarean I could be more involved in my baby’s birth. For me the procedure would go some way towards bridging the gap beween vaginal delivery and caesarean as I experienced it but additionally, and perhaps more importantly, its advent is an acknowledgement of the fact that caesarean birth as it exists now is difficult for mums in terms of physical recovery, bonding with their baby and also emotionally. And perhaps that’s what’s really needed – a real acknowledgement that caesarean section is never an easy way out would perhaps stop mums like me from feeling in some way less valid. The ‘too posh to push’ brigade have a lot to answer for.
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[...] deep-seated desire to have another crack at giving birth, in hopes of succeeding where I felt I had previously failed. I suppose I knew that having another baby so soon would have been madness, but as time has gone [...]
Hi Claire
I too had a c-section after an agonising 22 hours of labour (medically induced after 15 days) but I still got the fun of all the contractions and pain! It was an emergency c-section because of hypertension, pre-eclampsia and my son’s heart beat was dropping. It was a real shock to me as I had planned and prepared for a “natural” birth. I was quite traumatised afterwards but in the end I did create a new life and both of us survived child birth.
I think people who have had a natural birth without any issues – are very fortunate and they should not cast aspirations on others who have had c-sections for whatever reasons. The end goal is a healthy baby and whatever way that baby comes out safely is the priority. This time around I am trying for a VBAC but here I sit 2 days past my due date and nothing stirring…
I was at an ante-natal class recently where someone joked that she wasn’t “too posh to push”, moms should think before they speak as sometimes the choice is not yours.
I agree with your post, and the fact is this: a c-section is major surgery, the mother takes longer to recover and is in pain for longer afterwards — so how can people think it is “the easy way out?”
All the best with your new web
Irish Mammy!
Hiya
Thanks for your reply, it’s good to hear I am not the only one who sometimes feels like this! That phrase ‘too posh to push’ makes me so angry because there is absolutely nothing posh about having a caesarean. I really hope your little one decides to make an appearance soon and you get your VBAC – but most of all I wish you a less traumatic experience this time and most importantly, a happy, healthy result for you and baby! All the best
C x
Well I have done it both ways. My first three were natural deliveries, the first baby, my daughter, died during delivery (she was premature) after suffering a brain bleed. The second one, my second daughter, was again premature and after an agonising 7 DAYS of contractions, whilst being told I was not in labour (this was said up until an hour before I actually delivered her!) she was born without any pain relief at all, not breathing, not responding, blue as the sky and hypothermic, but amazingly she survived. My next baby, my son, was born after a swift 18 minutes of established labour after being induced 12 days over my due date, he was fine, no surprises or real panic at al that time. And then Maisie, my wonderful baby who will be one the day after tomrrow. The worlds most unexpected c section, my midwife called it! After seeming to follow the trend my other daughters set, she was a very crazy emergency c section after she stopped moving 13 days after my due date, but, it turned out, four weeks after she should have been born (their dates were wrong, I kept telling them they were!) She had passed meconium and was very poorly, but she made it. And so did I! Was I too posh to push? Not a chance. In fact after having to undergo a further hour and a half of surgery to repair the damage the surgeons did to get her out in time, and weeks of agony, if anyone accused me of being too posh to push, I would probably have to slap them! But do you know what? I dont feel like a failure, I gave birth to a beautiful, healthy amazing little person, it doesnt matter how she came into this world, all that matters is that she is here. No mum should feel a failure for bringing a life into this world, whether our babies take the scenic route or the short cut! And trust me, natural birth is really not all its cracked up to be. I got no feeling of elation at doing it all drugless, or at pushing a baby our of my lady bits, all I got was an overwhelming feeling of ‘thank god that is over’ and a lifetime of pelvic floor exercises and tena lady to look forward to!
Stephie you are so right; the only thing that matters is that your baby arrives safely and you are both healthy afterwards. It’s interesting for me to read that you didn’t feel that elation after giving birth naturally – I think that is what I’m hankering after! The immediate aftermath of Alfie’s birth is a haze of unpleasantness to me and I suppose i feel that if I’d delivered him naturally it would have been different – but maybe not! Thanks for your input