questions…
Tomorrow it will be sixteen years since my dad committed suicide and this year I am missing him a little more than usual. I wish I could tell him that he has a beautiful grandson, and that Bubs has his eyes, dark as pools of melted chocolate and so full of expression strangers often stop me in the street for a closer look.
Becoming a parent has also made it much harder to understand why he did what he did. I can’t really understand how he could leave the four of us; why the desire to be there and protect his kids didn’t burn like a white hot flame in his heart, as it does in mine. How could he lie there, listening to us get ready for school, and still pull the trigger? How could he do that knowing that one of us might, and did, walk in to find him pale and staring, lifeless? How could he think that we would be OK without him? How could he not want to watch us grow up, give me away on my wedding day, hold my baby?
And yet in some ways becoming a parent has also made it easier to justify. Things must have been really, REALLY bad for him to do what he did, knowing what he was leaving behind. I can’t imagine what it would take for me to think I would rather just opt out, and leave my son. I think I would have to lose my mind first, and maybe he did. The thought of that makes me sadder than anything, and yet comforts me because if he wasn’t himself then he didn’t know what he was doing, and leaving us wasn’t a choice, just a consequence.
Tomorrow I will take our baby son to his grave and lay flowers, knowing that one day soon he will have questions of his own. I hope by then I’ve got some answers.
Trackbacks
Check out what others are saying...-
[...] strong. She loved us all through many a woe, from skinned knees in childhood to my father’s suicide. She was always here. She worried about us, commiserating and supporting in times of sadness [...]
Enjoy this post?
Subscribe to our RSS Feed
Follow us on Twitter
or simply tell your friends and colleagues!
Sharing is caring
About Claire
Hello! I’m Claire and welcome to MumUnplugged! I started this blog in 2008 following the birth of my son; I was bored on maternity leave from my job as a magazine editor, and besides feeling a pathological urge to just write something, I wanted to put my own experiences as a first time mum out there for others to share. I’m just a normal mum like any other – I have good days and bad days, days when I feel confident in my ability to raise this little human I created and others when I wonder why on earth I ever thought I could handle it! The most important thing I’ve learned from becoming a mum is that there’s nothing like advice from other mums who’ve been in your shoes – and I hope that by reading my experiences and those of others, visitors to MumUnplugged will find inspiration, advice and support for their journey through motherhood. Through my career in publishing I’ve also developed a passion for trend-spotting and tracking down the latest products so you’ll also find lots of news, reviews, fashion, topical features and much more. I really hope you enjoy the site – don’t forget to check out our forums (coming soon!) and keep your eyes peeled for great competitions and giveaways. If there’s anything you’d like to see on MumUnplugged then I’d love to hear from you – email mumunplugged@googlemail.com, follow me on Twitter, check out the Facebook page - or just leave me a comment!